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(Punch – 1997)
One of a regular series on private languages

"Yo! What huge fun to be at this totally happening rave. The songs are a wee bit fast for me, I must admit. Shall I get you a beer - or are you already high on Ecstasy?"

- Oh dear. Nobody talks about raves these days. If you're not at a club or a tribal gathering, you're at a big party.

- You dance to tracks or choons. These are slammin', stormin', or monstah. If not to your taste they are a load of old pony or arse.

- Stimulant of choice is still E or pills. Purchase some from the dodgy looking geezer in the corner with the long queue in front of him.

- If you'd rather not spend the whole night talking crap and loving everyone, fake it by grinning inanely and waving a large bottle of Evian.

You must:

- If female wear as little as possible. Fluffy bikinis, tiny T-shirts, satin shorts, stilletos and an all-over sunbed tan - dress like a tart, basically.

- If male sport a trimmed goatee (check MTV afternoon phone-in progs for style); surf gear (Stussy); Kangol hat; fashionable brand of trainers. (These last change weekly, so check with your friendly neighbourhood mugger what's hot.)

- have a thorough awareness of genre sub-divisions within dance: e.g. Happy Hardcore, Garage, Goan Trance, Brit-hop, Trip-hop, Hi-NRG, Old Skool etc

- be sure to nod in time to the choon. Unless, of course, it's pony, in which case grimace.

- mention at regular intervals that you are planning to holiday in Ibeefa (a still-cool island off Spain.)

You must not:

- wear a whistle, white gloves or talk about havin' it or largin' it. Once cool, these items and phrases are now terminally passé.

- suggest that the DJ is anything other than a god. DJs are the new rock stars.

- die on the dancefloor. Wicked or kickin' moves are cool. Heart failure is not.

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