BooksNewsPaintingsJournalismPhoto GalleryBiographyContact MarkHome
 

Journalism

Amazon One Stars
Teaching Memoir
Plumbersí Block
Travel Cliches
In Georgia With the Kids
Ghostwriting
Lost Art of Handwriting
Rats
Mind the Gaffe
Jack and Zena Come Out
Under Pressure
It's A Jungle Out There
Just Williams
Inside The Jester's Court
Keeping A Sense of Humour
Castaway - The Inside Story
Cook Islands
Unmugged In Rio
Irish Country Houses
When Defiance Is
A Death Sentence

A Craicing Good Time
My London Village
Capri
How To Speak ... Dance
South African Ghosts
Pseud Awakening
Mad Matt's
One Hundred Years
Of Total Confusion


HOW TO SPEAK ...DANCE

(Punch – 1997)
One of a regular series on private languages


"Yo! What huge fun to be at this totally happening rave. The songs are a wee bit fast for me, I must admit. Shall I get you a beer - or are you already high on Ecstasy?"

- Oh dear. Nobody talks about raves these days. If you're not at a club or a tribal gathering, you're at a big party.

- You dance to tracks or choons. These are slammin', stormin', or monstah. If not to your taste they are a load of old pony or arse.

- Stimulant of choice is still E or pills. Purchase some from the dodgy looking geezer in the corner with the long queue in front of him.

- If you'd rather not spend the whole night talking crap and loving everyone, fake it by grinning inanely and waving a large bottle of Evian.

You must:

- If female wear as little as possible. Fluffy bikinis, tiny T-shirts, satin shorts, stilletos and an all-over sunbed tan - dress like a tart, basically.

- If male sport a trimmed goatee (check MTV afternoon phone-in progs for style); surf gear (Stussy); Kangol hat; fashionable brand of trainers. (These last change weekly, so check with your friendly neighbourhood mugger what's hot.)

- have a thorough awareness of genre sub-divisions within dance: e.g. Happy Hardcore, Garage, Goan Trance, Brit-hop, Trip-hop, Hi-NRG, Old Skool etc

- be sure to nod in time to the choon. Unless, of course, it's pony, in which case grimace.

- mention at regular intervals that you are planning to holiday in Ibeefa (a still-cool island off Spain.)

You must not:

- wear a whistle, white gloves or talk about havin' it or largin' it. Once cool, these items and phrases are now terminally passé.

- suggest that the DJ is anything other than a god. DJs are the new rock stars.

- die on the dancefloor. Wicked or kickin' moves are cool. Heart failure is not.


back to the top
   
site design by pedalo limited